bananaTALK

At a time, I apologized to a student, on behalf of someone else, for something that had happened. *really, I can’t disclose this but I really want to write about it* And all of a sudden, one cried. Followed by one’s friend. It became gloomy then. I was so surprised.

One said, “Every time we meet and enjoy our time, you look so… OK. As if nothing had happened. And it hurts to see you so fine. That you accept it just like that. As if it was easy. As if it was meant to be and it’s just everyday issue. As if it’s nothing. How could you do that?”, in a choked voice.

I just sit there in awe. I didn’t realize that what hurt me could also give such impact to others. I kept it tight and moved on because I wouldn’t make a fuss of it. It won’t matter to anyone. I don’t want to whine about it. Moreover to my students. Useless. I should be professional. I shouldn’t make my problem theirs. I should keep distance from them. I forgot…

I forgot they were only kids -to some extent. Kids feel, although they may not be a good verbalizer. And they are just as sensitive as I am. If not more. I forgot they were hurt, too. I didn’t know it was that deep. Apparently, I’m not the only one suffering. Realizing this, I broke to tears.

A while ago I felt so alone. Keeping things just for myself because whatever I did or said was going to be wrong anyway. Things had been twisted. Some, if not all. And it may not stop. So rather than there would be anything more against me, I decided to keep silent. *there, I said it*

I was wrong. I’m not alone. Not only I have my true friends with me, I also have my students. Well, not that ‘have’ as I treat my friends. But the feeling of being needed makes you feel lonely no more, isn’t it? That they really worth your existence. You really mean something. And you somehow share some feeling with the ones meaningful to you.

And for that, kids, I want to say I love you. Thank you, to have me in your mind even it’s just a small fraction. I am so grateful for meeting you all. It may not be regular friendship, but… I think I could just call it that. An unordinary one. Thank you, Allah.